Natrum mur: Searching for a Perfect mate
Homeopathic Journal :: Volume: 2, Issue: 7, May 2009 (Centre Stage) - from Homeorizon.com
|Article Updated: Jun 14, 2009|
(This article is a part of Interview Series with Dr. Mati Fuller about the Core Issues of Different Medicines)
Dr. Singh: Hello, Dr. Mati! How are you?
Dr. Mati: Thanks Dr. Singh, I am fine. I hope our readers enjoy our chit-a chat on different medicine profiles.
Dr. Singh: Oh Sure, you can assess it by the numerous congratulating mails we receive regarding this "Centre-Stage" section.
Dr. Mati: So what you want to talk about today?
Dr. Singh: Well, it is about our very own NATRUM-MUR. The present lifestyle with its rushes and crushes has made many of us broody and sad. When we read the personality profile of Natrum mur it seems most of us have a strong Natrum tint. So do tell us How is Natrum mur as a person? What will be his first impression on others?
Dr. Mati: Well! it is not necessarily an easy question to answer because Natrum is a complicated remedy. I have met Natrums that are sad, serious and introverted, and I have also met Natrums that are overly cheerful, who laugh too loud and who can entertain a whole party. It isn’t until you watch them more closely, that you can see the deeper levels of Natrum’s personality — the strong need for approval, and at the same time, the fear of intimacy. But, as a first impression, perhaps it is Natrum’s reliability that really stands out. There is a sense about Natrum that if she says she is going to do something, she will, and she will do a good job, so it is easy to trust her.
Another impression of Natrum is that her ideas are very fixed. If you are going to meet her, she needs to know exactly where and when, approximately how long the meeting will last, and exactly what you expect of her, or perhaps she’ll tell you what she expects of you, instead. You get the feeling that you better follow her rules, or you’ll get yourself in trouble by stepping over the invisible line. There is also a sense that she is very formal, polite, proper, and traditional, and you can count on her to always do the right thing. Nat Mur is just sooo perfect! Perfect mate, perfect wife, perfect mother. She can easily make the rest of us feel a bit inferior...
Dr. Singh: What is the driving mantra that keeps the Natrums moving?
Dr. Mati: It is this need to be absolutely perfect that is her driving mantra. This is what keeps her moving, this is her reason for always trying so hard! Why this obsession with perfection? It comes, of course, from the original story that goes with the remedy. In this story, Natrum was born into a family where the father was strong, dictatorial and often strict. He may be driven by a desire to create wealth for himself and his family, and this desire overshadows his ability to show love towards his Nat Mur daughter. Perhaps, creating wealth is the way he shows his "love," but this isn’t the kind of love that Nat Mur would like. She looks up to her father and her greatest desire is to gain his love and appreciation, but unfortunately, the father is not available on that kind of emotional level. In some cases, he is even physically unavailable, but either way, sensitive Nat Mur simply can’t get his loving attention. So, her feelings are hurt, and she starts feeling like maybe she isn’t good enough for her father. Maybe, if she tried harder... Maybe, if she was more perfect... And thus starts her striving for perfection!
Dr. Singh: Ah! Striving for perfection.... a difficult path indeed. How does it affect her personality?
Dr. Mati: Out of this striving for perfection, a delusion is born — the delusion that "if I’m not perfect, nobody will love me." And from there, it expands to: "If I can be perfect enough, I deserve to be loved by a perfect man, too." Nothing less will do — therefore, the mate has to be perfect. To be loved by a perfect man, will prove to her that she is, in fact, perfect, too, and it will put her mind at ease. However, if she can’t find a perfect man who will love her, she will either sink into deep, dark despair, or develop bitterness and suspiciousness instead.
If she can’t find anyone to love her, it just confirms her perception that something must be wrong with her. She must be ugly, or perhaps she just isn’t good enough for anyone. And, this becomes another delusion. We have to remember that whenever a person has delusions, she will unconsciously create or draw to herself situations that will prove to her that her delusions are real. In Natrum’s case, she will often dress with very little style, since she is more concerned with comfort than with style. She will often develop acne or eczema on her face, where everyone can see it, and at the same time, she will dream about the most gorgeous, most unavailable man she can imagine. HE is the only one that can make her happy, and without his attention and love, she will feel crushed and heartbroken, and it will be very hard for her to get over it.
Dr. Singh: "Thinking herself ugly"?? Does it mean we can think about Natrum mur in B.D.D.(Body Dysmorphic Disorder)?
Dr. Mati: Yes, we can definitely think of Natrum in B.D.D (body dysmorphic disorder), since Natrum isn’t actually physically ugly, it is just her perception that makes her think that she is. We can also think about Natrum when dealing with abused women. She’ll stay in the relationship and try her best to hold it together because if she can only be a little more perfect, she won’t deserve to be abused any more. The abuse is simply a way of confirming to her that she doesn’t deserve to be loved because she simply isn’t good enough yet. She has to try harder, and she doesn’t even think about leaving her abuser, since it is obviously her own fault...
Dr. Singh: How is Natrums sense of duality different from that of Anacardium and Alumina?
Dr. Mati: Anacardium and Natrum are both trying to be perfect, but Anacardium is doing it by suppressing her negative impulses, while Natrum is doing it by trying to do everything more perfect. If we compare Natrum and Alumina, Natrum has a much stronger sense of self than Alumina. When Natrum’s relationships don’t work out, she builds up resentment and feels like she deserves more! Alumina, however, doesn’t even know if she exists when someone in her life leaves. Sometimes, she doesn’t even know if the person who left is going to return or if he is gone permanently. She doesn’t know what is real in her life or her relationships. Natrum is much more clear. She knows exactly what is going on, and she is likely to either complain about it to anyone who wants to listen, or she’ll hold it inside. Natrum is a master at suppression. She can easily will herself into thinking only about positive things, and she’ll put on a cheerful attitude just to convince herself and the world how happy she is. This is how she often compensates for her lack of confidence and touchiness. Pretend that there is no problem, and if you ignore it, maybe it will go away! She is so sensitive, she just can’t handle heavy emotions. It hurts too much, so she has learned to suppress her emotions and rationalize everything in her mind. You can feel it when you talk to a Nat Mur — she is often a very mental type, and this is another reason why they get along so well with Lycopodium and Arsenicum. They seem to be on "the same page" until Natrum becomes too emotionally demanding and Lycopodium and Arsenicum have to draw the line. So, she keeps getting her feelings hurt, again and again.
Dr. Singh: Why does Natrum mur always strives for the unavailable mate?
Dr. Mati: Whenever you listen to a Nat Mur telling her story, it is usually a very sad story containing many heartbreaking experiences. She may think there is a pattern of men always leaving her, but the pattern is actually that she always picks men who are either unavailable on some level, or basically not really interested in a committed relationship with her from the very start. This gives Natrum the opportunity to bend over backwards, trying to please her mate or "fix" the relationship any way she can. She wants the relationship to be perfect, as well! But because she often picks the wrong kind of guy, her relationships usually don’t work out. Either the guy leaves, or the relationship lasts, but Natrum doesn’t get her needs met and still feels a bit disappointed. It just didn’t turn out the way she had envisioned it!
Dr. Singh: But most often, we find that she would also avoid intimacy in relations?
Dr. Mati: After being hurt too many times, she becomes much more cautious in her relationships, especially if she meets someone new who wants to be too close to her. Closeness and intimacy means that she is in great danger of getting her feelings hurt again, and as soon as the fear grabs her, she will withdraw from the relationship. Even though she wants intimacy more than anything in the world, the fear of getting hurt is so strong that it always makes her pull away. She needs more space from her mate, so she can get back into a less vulnerable position and feel safe again. This often makes her seem cold to her mates, and many will think that she isn’t really that interested in intimacy. She actually IS interested, but intimacy scares her so much that she will rather seek out a man who is less emotionally available so she won’t get her fear of intimacy triggered so easily. This is why she is usually more interested in men who are unavailable, than in a man who really wants to be with her. Someone, who wants to be close and intimate, is way too scary!!!
Dr. Singh: When hurt, what do they do?
Dr. Mati: Suppress, suppress, suppress... She can become a workaholic, she can hide behind a cheerful exterior and pretend nothing has happened, and she can become extremely cautious against future relationships. If a new man comes into her life, she will either try to avoid him at first, or she’ll want to take it slow and date for a very long time before she gets involved sexually, or she’ll lay all the cards on the table and tell him everything about how she got hurt in the past, and how the new guy better not walk in the same footsteps as her last mate did! She’ll be defensive and on guard, even from the very beginning of the new relationship, constantly looking for signs that her new relationship is going downhill in the same way that her last relationship did, and it basically makes it impossible to start a new relationship in a fresh way. She just carries too much garbage from the past that she brings into the new relationship, too.
Dr. Singh: Who are the ideal mates for Natrum mur and why?
Dr. Mati: It depends what you mean by ideal. If you mean a mate who will push her buttons and bring out her issues so she gets lots of opportunities to work through her stuff, Lycopodium and Arsenicum are both perfect. They will never give her what she needs emotionally, so she’ll have to learn to give it to herself. If by "ideal" you mean someone who will love and cherish her for whom she is, and who will never hurt her feelings, such a man would scare the socks off of Natrum, and she would do anything to find a reason why he wasn’t the right person for her. She prefers to stay in her comfort zone, even though it is both cold and dark there.
You’ll see that all of Natrum’s relationships are basically reflections of her relationship to her father. She longs for her father’s love, which of course she won’t get, and therefore, she looks for mates that can fill the father role so she can keep playing out her unresolved issues with men. This is why she is often attracted to Lycopodium or Arsenicum men — they both know how to play the dictatorial father figure, and they can both be emotionally unavailable to Natrum. The other type she is often attracted to is Staphysagria. Since they have both been heartbroken and hurt, they have something in common. There is a certain understanding between them that is irresistible at first. The problem is, Natrum has father issues, and Staphysagria has mother issues. Neither of them feel good enough, but their compensation strategies are different. Natrum tries harder, and attempts to become more perfect when things don’t work out, while Staphysagria becomes totally lazy and refuses to do anything, like a teenage boy who is rebelling against his mother. Natrum naturally steps into the mother role and starts nagging, and that becomes the beginning of the end of that relationship, too.
Dr. Singh: Why does Natrum mur avoid changes in life.
Dr. Mati: She likes things fixed because she likes being in control. Being in control makes her feel safe emotionally, and she rationalizes all her reasons why she creates so many rules that everyone has to obey. But the truth is, she is just afraid to get her feelings hurt again. This is also why, if Natrum has been alone for a while, she gets very "set" in her ways and prefers her new mate to live in a different house, so he doesn’t disturb her home in any way. And, of course, it also gives her a place to retreat to when she wants space.
Dr. Singh: What are the bright and dark sides of Natrum mur?
Dr. Mati: To summarize, the good sides about Natrum are: She is sensitive and romantic, always dreaming about her perfect mate where she can be in love forever. She is reliable, responsible and logical. She always does her job well, and doesn’t want to disappoint her boss (father figure at work). She means well, and she often cares about other people and finds ways to make the world a better place to be by helping others.
The dark side: Natrum can’t let go of anything sad that happened to her. She can become bitter, cynical, and complain a lot. She may also develop an attitude of entitlement. They may feel that they deserve only the best, and that people "owe them." This can make them self-righteous. The other thing about Natrum that can make it difficult for people to be around her is her lack of flexibility and rigid attitude.
So basically, everything Natrum does is simply an attempt to avoid getting emotionally hurt again. They often feel trapped by their past from their inability to let go and start over, but basically, Natrum is a sensitive and caring person at heart.
Dr. Singh: That was really wonderful Dr. It seems the Natrum mystery must have resolved for most our readers. This will surely prove useful to all of us both in practice and personal life. Thanks for this enlightening conversation.
Dr. Mati: Thanks Dr. Singh, I too enjoyed it.
Mati H Fuller is the author of "Beyond the Veil of Delusions, understanding relationships through homeopathy" which is available as a paperback or download from http://www.biggervisionbooks.com or as a paperback from http://www.amazon.com, as well as from other homeopathic bookstores online.